Friendship - a fresh perspective

Technically you could say that I missed a day in posting for this blog; however, I prefer to think that I took my time to gather my thoughts together during that period of time and this is merely a delay in getting them on this page so that you will all benefit from my thoughts, thus making it worth the time.

I've been seeing some interesting movies lately, the one that captured my interest the most was "All About Steve," starring Sondra Bullock.  She plays a crossword puzzle designer for a large newspaper, is loquacious (look it up!) to a fault, and is criticized so much in one day for not being normal that she accepts a blind date, who she views as her ticket to normalcy.  When he is put off by her aggressiveness, she writes a puzzle about him, is fired since nobody can solve it, and proceeds to chase him across the country.  In the process she finds people that like her for who she is, and she learns that if you have to change yourself for somebody he is probably not worth it.  That's an extremely simplified version of it, I recommend you watch the movie to learn the lesson for yourself.

It made me really think though.  I have not had anybody I can call friends since I lived in Connecticut, back when I was around 7 years old.  I had no friends in my school years, I was pretty much ostracized by the other kids.  Things didn't really change once I graduated, I had become an introvert by then.  Since then I was lucky enough to make a few friends at various jobs, but they have always been M-F, 9-5 friends.  The friendships pretty much stopped when I left work.  My marriage (which was the biggest mistake of my life) was not so much a relationship as it was a tolerance of each other; sadly it took me 10 years to realize that.

Right now I have my relatives, who are there for me, and three special women who have stood by me.  They are more than friends, supporters would be closer but not enough, all I can say is that they are extremely special to me.  I've come to realize in the past 24 hours that I sometimes ask too much of all these people.

I am alone, through no fault of my own.  I have tried to be friendly to people, and have wondered what is wrong with me when they have failed to respond.  But being alone does not mean friendless.  I cannot expect these people to be there for me when I want them to be.  I realize they have their own lives to lead, their careers, their other friends and relatives they need to be there for.  I just need to meet more people, and to be there for them when they need me to be.  Instead of focusing on a few, I need to be there for many.  Maybe that doesn't make sense to you, maybe it's just the 3 a.m. ramblings of my inner thoughts, but let me try to summarize it.

There are people that like me for who I am, not who I have been portrayed to be by others, but because they know me.  They know me, and they like me.  Why have I been asking for more than that?  The fact these people are special to me, and they like me for myself, should be enough for me.  It is enough. I respect them and trust their judgment, and they like the person I am.  If I try to change myself I will risk losing them, which would be a bigger mistake than my marriage.

So there it is.  Why change?  It's a big world out there and I have not seen nearly enough of it.  There was a line in that movie that is appropriate.  A trucker said "If you missed the bus maybe you weren't meant to be on it."  Like my special women like to say, "Everything happens for a reason."  So I missed the friendship bus, I don't like buses anyway, I would rather be driving my own car on my own road.  And just possibly, like Sondra Bullock in the movie, I will find more people along the way that will like me for who I am.

Have to go, time to hit the road!  (although I will wait until I get some sleep!)