Loser's guide to suicide

I was at the video store today, saw a Bob Newhart DVD. Reminded me of some of the skits he used to do, we have a record of them somewhere. He did some good ones, like the driving instructor, the security guard when King Kong was on the building, and some others. I wondered how he would handle my life, guess it would go like this.

I woke up, totally depressed, as usual, and decided this would be the day I would not go on any further. I would end my life today.

I decided to do it quickly, before I lost my nerve. I went to the bathroom and looked in the medicine cabinet to overdose on some pills. Alas, all I could find were my sister's birth control pills. Guaranteed, I would never have a baby, but what an embarrassing way to go, I could just see the headline now on Jay Leno's show. "Man o.d.'s on birth control." Not a good way to go.

I saw the electic razor plugged in and started to fill the bathtub. That's a normal accident - electrocution by something falling in the tub. First I couldn't find the stopper for the drain. Then it took forever for the cold water to stop and hot water to start filling the tub. Finally it was full and hot. I took off my clothes and started to step in. That's when the power company shut off the power to our block. I had to get dressed, I don't think dropping a flashlight powered by two 1.5 volt batteries in the tub will do the job.

I decided to finish things in my car. I went down the street and parked halfway through the intersection. Instead of being hit, other drivers honked and went around me. One driver even offered to help me push my car to the side of the road.

I drove down to some train tracks I saw and parked across them. A man came up to me and asked if I broke down. I asked him why, is the train coming soon? He said no, that tracks been out of use for years, he doesn't remember the last time a train came down it.

I tried going down to the docks, figuring I could drive into the water and drown. The security guard at the gate wouldn't let me through without proof I worked there.

I drove downtown to the highest building and went in, figuring to take the elevator to the top floor and jump. The security guard in the lobby wouldn't let me through if I didn't have an appointment with somebody in the building. What, are these guys everywhere? If I was wearing a turban, they would let me in the oil refinery with a ticking box!

I drove to the bridge figuring to park and jump. Bad luck there, had no money for the toll. Had to turn around.

Went to a gun shop, asked to see a gun and then held it to my head and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened, apparently they don't keep loaded guns in the showcase.

Walked out the door and decided to throw myself in front of a moving truck. It was going well until he braked for the red light.

Desperate now, called to see if my sister would have me over for lunch. If I ate her cooking at her house, that would probably do it. She didn't answer the phone.

Went to the gas station, figured I would drop a match in my gas tank. Cashier said they don't give out matches anymore unless I bought some cigarettes. I told her I don't smoke,it's bad for your health.

Looked at a map, hoping to find a cliff to drive over. Just my luck I live in Delaware, what a flat state!

Went home and thought some more. Considered cutting my wrist but poor Mom would be stuck cleaning up all the blood, couldn't make her do all that work.

Decided to go to bed and try smothering myself with my pillow. Problem was I fell asleep, too exhausted from all the running around.

Guess tomorrow's another day!

Goodbyes

Today I said goodbye to my sister, who is moving to another state. Her co-workers and friends had a farewell party for her which my family attended. A lot of people said many wonderful things about her, about how she has had an influence on their lives. My sister has also had some difficult times over the past few years and these people were there for her when she needed them. Needless to say, it was very emotional on everybody's part.

Then I came home and saw an "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode, when Ray had to give a eulogy for his uncle. It was difficult since his mother and aunt had been carrying a grudge with each other for the past seven years. Raymond got tired of it in the middle of the eulogy and spoke about what family had meant to his uncle.

It made me think of the similarity between the two events. In both cases people were saying goodbye to someone who meant something to them. When my time comes there will be no need for a funeral, as I have nobody to attend it. I have tried to live a good life and to help people, but it has been in vain. I have nobody that's here for me except my mother, and to my regret I will probably outlive her. Once she's gone there will be no need for me to continue, so I will probably die from a broken heart or other means.

How I wish I meant something to somebody. Life just isn't fair that way. You try to do everything right but it doesn't mean anything to anyone except your parents. You face the world that treats you like dirt no matter what you do. Maybe I should have smoked and drank and tried to fit in, except it wasn't what I believed in or what I was taught. I tried marriage and what a disaster that turned out to be. Some people just aren't meant to win and I'm one of them.

I know my sister will be happy in her new job, she has the support of her colleagues. I envy her and am proud of her, and wish her all the luck in the world.

Faith, anyone?

It doesn't seem like this has been a good week for anybody! Friends of mine are having problems, as always I'm having problems, and there just doesn't seem to be an end in sight! You turn on the news and all you hear about is death and violence and corruption, why isn't there any happy news anymore? If somebody did a happy news channel it would probably only be on about 10 minutes a day and would be covering the local tri-state area and the world. 10 minutes! Okay, maybe 15 at the outside.

There can't be a God, it's just not possible. Even allowing for one that allows the free will of man to destroy himself by his actions, there should be a point where he would make his presence known, if only for one time and one minute to renew people's faith in a higher power.

The government keeps the UFO files confidential, their excuse is if the truth were known it might cause worldwide panic. Look at the film, "Independence Day." It took total destruction of cities and billions of dead people for the government to admit to the President that yes, there was an Area 51 and yes, we have known aliens existed.

You can make all the excuses but in the end people have evolved enough so that they have a need to know. Mankind has set himself on a destructive path because he believes there are no options and there is nobody to say differently, Almighty or otherwise.

Just suppose God did appear to somebody, or sent an angel, to someone like little Tracy in "Oh God, Book II," or the President admitted, "Yes, we have proof there is other intelligent life out there." We have people killing by themselves or by armies, wholesale slaughter every day. In "Oh God, Book II" they said after she and her friends starting painting "Think God" everywhere that the churches were full but the schools were not, because Tracy was suspended for not saying what they wanted to hear. Oh My! Is that the worse that could happen there? And think of all the priests whose faith would be renewed and they would stop molesting children. And if people were told alien life existed. Maybe there would be some panic or demonstrations, but compared to the wars of the last 100 years I can't imagine many people dying over it. For the most part science would have renewed interest to come up with ways to explore space and make contact, and people would probably start watching the "X-Files" again or just change the channel and say, "See? I always suspected there was a cover up and the little green guys do exist. Now what's for dinner?"

I think mankind is at it's most destructive point. North Korea has nuclear weapons, so does half the world anymore, and it's only a matter of time before someone is crazy enough to trigger them. Look at 9/11, if that had been North Korea our country would be like "The Day After."

We need something now that we don't have - faith. Faith in God, faith in our leaders, faith in ourselves. I met someone recently that called me a liar and every name in the book and he doesn't even know me. I have faith in maybe a dozen people, that's all. And even that gets shaken sometimes.

I know this isn't my Wednesday headline posting that you expected, I will make up for it on the next one, but this is how I feel.

Change to blog

Last night my computer overheated and shut down so I was unable to do my daily blog entry. It wasn't really a problem as I've been having difficulty lately, don't know if it's writer's block or what, but I just can't seem to come up with new ideas to write about. It could be because I don't have much going on in my life, I just don't know.

So I think what I will do is do my Wednesday and Saturday entries only. I'll stick to the strange news headlines (although I may need to branch out a little there also) and do a weekly summary on Saturday.

Hopefully things will pick up, until then see you Wednesday!

The Mysterious Island

Who here has read Jules Verne's "The Mysterious Island?" It's the sequel to "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea," about the travels of the fabled submarine "Nautilus." It details the final days of Captain Nemo and it's about the birth and resting place of the Nautilus. It's an excellent book, I would recommend you read them both. The reason I brought this up was because I was watching the movie, "The Mysterious Island" on tv tonight, the version with Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard from "Star Trek: The Next Generation.








Clive Cussler, also one of my favorite authors, wrote about the Nautilus also. He had an ingenious twist on it however, bringing it into the real world of today. I was privileged enough to set foot on several Nautiluses. I was on the ride at Disney, I believe it was in Adventureland, and the vessels resembled the one in the movie, but what would you expect from Disney anyway, their attention to detail is incredible in everything they do. I would like to see that ride upgraded however, I think they could do a lot more with it. And I went through the nuclear submarine Nautilus in New London, CT. Imagine the thrill I felt at being on the actual sub that went to the North Pole! I also read the book detailing the trip by Cmdr. William Anderson, who captained the sub on that voyage.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this is because I was reminded once again how much can be accomplished with the imagination. Jules Verne was ahead of his time, he designed helicopters, modern weapons, movies with sound, television and rockets, all of this before 1900.

What happened to these visionaries? Gene Roddenberry was one from this generation, he envisioned starships and matter transporters. Does this mean we will see these things happen someday? Will we travel beyond our galaxy to other worlds? I wish it had happened in my time, although hopefully I will be around for the next 30 or 40 years. Who knows what I'll see?

Imagination

There was a movie on HBO tonight called "Inkheart," about this girl's father who can pull characters out of their books. I recorded it; hope I can watch it soon as I recall the commercials were pretty good when the movie first came out. I had forgotten all about it until now.

Even though it was on tonight, I didn't even think about it until just now. I was sitting here at my desk, pondering what to write about tonight, and I was looking at the lighthouse picture my uncle bought for me for Christmas several years ago. If you look at it long enough, the lighthouse takes on a 3-dimensional quality and you can almost imagine going into the picture, like the Kirbys' did at the end of "Topper", the 1979 version with Kate Jackson and Andrew Stevens. One of my favorite movies, regardless of the reviews.

It also made me think of the nightmare I had last night, which was like something out of "Terminator," where I was the one in the police station and somebody was trying to kill me, except it was a normal person and not some science-fiction android.

Most of my sleep episodes are nightmares; I rarely have a good dream. I don't know why that is, you would think I would seek escape from my daily problems by having a good dream but it just doesn't seem to happen. It is funny though how when I look at pictures I can imagine being a part of them, especially if it's a picture I really like. Wouldn't it be nice to have that power? They did it in "Mary Poppins" with the sidewalk chalk drawings. Wouldn't it be great to get a travel brochure from Jamaica and be able to walk into the brochure and onto a beach with the ocean like deep blue glass in the background?

A healthy imagination is a good thing, look at the movie "Hook" with Robin Williams where once he starts using his imagination he can eat anything he wants in Never-Never Land. Things that we imagine seldom come true, unless it's something simple like knowing what model and color car you want and going to the dealerships until you find one like it. That can happen. And I guess if you can imagine your dream job and find a way to get the education for it then it is possible to achieve that. So in some instances using your imagination can make your dreams come true.

I think that my imagination is going to be one of the tools I'm going to have to use to achieve some measure of success in my life. Positive thinking will be another one. Isn't it funny how I might have to use those two mental qualities before intelligence to achieve my goal? They claim we only use 10% of our brain, maybe it is true. Lately I've been thinking I only use 5% (if that!) but maybe I've just been going about it in the wrong order.

So here's to a little creative daydreaming, let's see what I come up with!

Mother Nature

I remember an old Christmas cartoon, "The Year Without A Santa Claus," that had Mrs. Claus and two elves visiting Mother Nature, who was the mother of the Heat Miser and Snow Miser. Mother Nature appeared as a nice old lady. Well, that nice old lady has become the equivalent of the Heat Miser lately!

In addition to this year's extreme temperatures and humidity, my allergies have been bothering me lately. And my mother and sister were on their way to North Carolina today and just missed flash floods in Washington, D.C. They were battling heavy rain all the way down south, plus there was a tornado watch in effect.

We've had some major hurricanes over the past 20 years but it seems like they've been increasing in frequency and fury over the past few years. What happened to New Orleans was a major strike against that area. The storms have even had some of the religious advocates suggesting that the Second Coming is near.

It's easy to assign fantasy characters to things like holidays, forces of nature, etc. It's easier to place blame when we can picture an idea in a human form. One of the Internet definitions of Nature is "the material world, esp. as surrounding humankind and existing independently of human activities." Well, I have to disagree with that, as they say factories created by humans have caused the greenhouse effect which can influence nature.

An argument I've been hearing for years is that mankind is destroying the planet and it's atmosphere, which I agree with. And that is affecting the weather patterns, which I also agree with. So is it really too far out of bounds to say that yes, we have seriously pissed someone off and now we're paying the price? Not that I believe in a little old lady that views this world as her garden but we do assign names to hurricanes that makes them seem human. Look at Hurricane Katrina and what she did to New Orleans - we could safely call her something that rhymes with "witch" and we would be justified. Yet she could have been striking back at us for what we're doing to the planet, in which case it would be self-defense.

A lot of people have problems with the Greenpeace activists and all the other "Save the Planet" groups. And these are probably the same people that throw cigarettes out their car windows along with other trash. I don't profess to be a tree hugger but I do have respect for our environment. And I remember back in 1st or 2nd grade where we took at walk and collected trash on the street, back when "Give a hoot, don't pollute" was a slogan. What happened to those days? Did we get too bogged down in insurance policies to let kids leave the school grounds for a worthy cause? How much do they teach about the environment in schools these days? Maybe more should be done.

In closing, I just want to ask for everyone to have more respect for our planet. After all, it's the only one we have.