I was at the video store today, saw a Bob Newhart DVD. Reminded me of some of the skits he used to do, we have a record of them somewhere. He did some good ones, like the driving instructor, the security guard when King Kong was on the building, and some others. I wondered how he would handle my life, guess it would go like this.
I woke up, totally depressed, as usual, and decided this would be the day I would not go on any further. I would end my life today.
I decided to do it quickly, before I lost my nerve. I went to the bathroom and looked in the medicine cabinet to overdose on some pills. Alas, all I could find were my sister's birth control pills. Guaranteed, I would never have a baby, but what an embarrassing way to go, I could just see the headline now on Jay Leno's show. "Man o.d.'s on birth control." Not a good way to go.
I saw the electic razor plugged in and started to fill the bathtub. That's a normal accident - electrocution by something falling in the tub. First I couldn't find the stopper for the drain. Then it took forever for the cold water to stop and hot water to start filling the tub. Finally it was full and hot. I took off my clothes and started to step in. That's when the power company shut off the power to our block. I had to get dressed, I don't think dropping a flashlight powered by two 1.5 volt batteries in the tub will do the job.
I decided to finish things in my car. I went down the street and parked halfway through the intersection. Instead of being hit, other drivers honked and went around me. One driver even offered to help me push my car to the side of the road.
I drove down to some train tracks I saw and parked across them. A man came up to me and asked if I broke down. I asked him why, is the train coming soon? He said no, that tracks been out of use for years, he doesn't remember the last time a train came down it.
I tried going down to the docks, figuring I could drive into the water and drown. The security guard at the gate wouldn't let me through without proof I worked there.
I drove downtown to the highest building and went in, figuring to take the elevator to the top floor and jump. The security guard in the lobby wouldn't let me through if I didn't have an appointment with somebody in the building. What, are these guys everywhere? If I was wearing a turban, they would let me in the oil refinery with a ticking box!
I drove to the bridge figuring to park and jump. Bad luck there, had no money for the toll. Had to turn around.
Went to a gun shop, asked to see a gun and then held it to my head and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened, apparently they don't keep loaded guns in the showcase.
Walked out the door and decided to throw myself in front of a moving truck. It was going well until he braked for the red light.
Desperate now, called to see if my sister would have me over for lunch. If I ate her cooking at her house, that would probably do it. She didn't answer the phone.
Went to the gas station, figured I would drop a match in my gas tank. Cashier said they don't give out matches anymore unless I bought some cigarettes. I told her I don't smoke,it's bad for your health.
Looked at a map, hoping to find a cliff to drive over. Just my luck I live in Delaware, what a flat state!
Went home and thought some more. Considered cutting my wrist but poor Mom would be stuck cleaning up all the blood, couldn't make her do all that work.
Decided to go to bed and try smothering myself with my pillow. Problem was I fell asleep, too exhausted from all the running around.
Guess tomorrow's another day!
